Shadow play

I have to confess.. when it comes to relationships I am pretty much scared of my own shadow, and I am always the last to recognize it. Only in hindsight I am able to reflect back and see that yes once again my shadow has come out to play tricks on me so that I’m thinking it must be that other guy. It is HE/SHE that is pushing my buttons and creating conflict, not ME!!!  Except when I think about it.. whose buttons are being pushed?… mine.. so I must own the buttons.. and that it is some part of me that is pushing them.  The shadow can be very deceiving or in medicine wheel language..coyote.. and just when we think we are on to something good.. there it is.. looming like a cartoon character when the shadow is so big that it can take over the entire room. It can be very scary to come face to face with your own shadow and until you can recognize it, know it and love it.. it will keep you thinking that it must be that other guy. This happened to me with the last romantic relationship that I was in, my shadow scared me so badly I took the next available exit.. I’m outta here… realizing only later on that I had come face to face with the deepest, darkest part of myself.. the part that I have a hard time owning.. and that is my overwhelming fear that I won’t make it.. my fear that I will lose everything and everyone that I have ever loved… the fear that I will never be able to accept myself as I am… and the fear that I am unlovable…and that is HUGE!!..  Awareness is half the battle.. the more information I have about myself the more I will be able to know myself and recognize the shadow when it shows up, the other half of the battle is to accept and love myself, thereby accepting and loving  all of me including my shadow self.  I can not allow myself to think of the price I have paid for such expensive lessons, only that I am worth any price to get to the place of peace that I crave. In order to do that I intend to learn to play nice with my shadow and maybe in time my shadow will become my friend and not be so scary anymore.

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